I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize