the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
