I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
