Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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