I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
