if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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