My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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