I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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