It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
