theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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