it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
