I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
3 2 1 whiskey
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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