Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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