I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Help. Why am I so naked?
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