my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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