how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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