Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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