If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
