Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My vagina is very pro this idea
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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