You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just pee around me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
