do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
