i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
