Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
this just has baby written all over it
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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