May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
