he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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