come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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