Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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