At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
