Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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