i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
