I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
