so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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