if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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