like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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