Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
