dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
