as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
