I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
