dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
