I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
