I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
