my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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