her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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