Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
