It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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