i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
