ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
