Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
