Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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