I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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