I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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