I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
