He managed to light the Jello on fire...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
