i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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