FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
