I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
