so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize