My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
God, you're like boner-b-gone
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
