I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
