Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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