Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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