I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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